I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
