Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I can't turn off my feet"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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