I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Houston, we have a squirter
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
