So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
