He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
