Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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