i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
