I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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