Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
