We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I did not marry a roomba.
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