saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
