i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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