omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize