i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
