i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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