I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
