i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We left the knife in your bed.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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