Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
