She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
