just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
did you just send me my own nude
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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