i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
