i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
