i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
