I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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