Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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