Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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