NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't deserve a penis
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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