i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Are my feet made of real feet?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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