Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
