Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
