His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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