How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
