so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
