I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize