I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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