Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
