If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
