That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
