We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
