i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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