apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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