this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
