Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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