you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
