u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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