Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I need a beard to bite.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
