Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
