i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
