cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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