my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
PANTIES FOUND
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