Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
