my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This house was built for laser tag.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
