I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He did a backflip because drugs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
