You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
