I accidentally had phone sex last night
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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