i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
