I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
