i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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