Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
