He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
