I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
