I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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