I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize