Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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