Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize