My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
