I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
