What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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